


if i run away, how long will i bleed

by nicolesthename



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Partners to Lovers, References to Depression, Slice of Life, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 01:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14486097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolesthename/pseuds/nicolesthename
Summary: It could sometimes be difficult to control how deep in his mind he could go in the drift even after all that time being Isak’s copilot. He was used to his brain by then, could easily share the space.or isak is even’s jaeger copilot and they need to take a little time to regroup (the pacific rim au i’ve had in my head for months)





	if i run away, how long will i bleed

**Author's Note:**

> so friends... i haven't shared my work with people for about five years so this is pretty exciting.
> 
> this universe came about because i was looking for a pacific rim au for about a year and couldn't find one so i felt the heavy weight of a burden on my shoulders and the only way to relieve it was to write this damn au. WHICH I DID. CAN YOU BELIEVE?? (starting this also made me get to work on my tv pilot so thanks for the writing jumpstart).
> 
> i'll probably be writing more in this universe sometime in our vague future so if you like this enough to want more, stay tuned y'all
> 
> the title of this bad boy is from Matt Maeson's song [Grave Digger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQuv78DyuFw)
> 
> and thank you a million times over to [@iriswests](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iriswests/pseuds/iriswests) for being an amazing beta

His fingers rapped on Isak’s door softly, while his other hand held a mug of coffee, the steam still rising.

When Isak opened the door, he was so sleep worn that Even’s face softened even more. He wanted to run his fingers through Isak’s blond untamed curls, cup his cheek that still had indentations from his pillow, reach out for his hand that was still rubbing the sleep from his eye.

Instead, he just handed Isak his regular morning coffee with a quiet smile while he opened the door even wider to let Even into the room.

“Good morning,” Even said softly.

“Good morning, Even,” Isak replied and raised his coffee in gratitude, “And thank you.”

He hid his soft expression behind the mug in his hand before taking a long sip, sitting on the edge of his bed and never taking his eyes off of Even.

Even inclined his head in his own expression of gratitude and sat down in the chair by the table littered with papers covered in mathematical formulas. He sifted through them a bit while they sat in comfortable silence. The kind of silence that only came from being in the drift together.

“So how are things coming along with this, then?” Even asked, lifting some of the sheets of paper.

“Good,” Isak answered. “Really good, actually. The repairs on that jaeger are almost finished and then Eva and Noora will be able to get back in her and give her another go.”

Even looked up from the papers he had been staring at. “And do you think _they’ll_ be good to go so soon?”

Isak looked down as he said, “Well, we got there in time before they could absorb any of the serious damage. I think they’ll be fine to jump back in, just some minor cuts and bruises and a weapons system reboot.”

Even then landed a heavy gaze on Isak – saw the cut above his eyebrow still healing, the bandages still covering his forearm and poking out of his shirt by the shoulder, knew of the bandages still wrapped around his torso from his bruised ribs. He blamed himself, really. He had his own cuts and bruises, but he didn’t care about those nearly as much.

It could sometimes be difficult to control how deep in his mind he could go in the drift even after all that time being Isak’s copilot. He was used to his brain by then, could easily share the space.

He remembered what it felt like just a few days ago standing next to Isak in their jaeger fighting their second Category 3 – helpless, worthless, exhausted, unable to save the people he cared about. And it brought him back to a time he thought he had left behind – to a time before he had found a partner he could drift with comfortably. Though, that’s not to say there hadn’t been serious challenges and hurdles to overcome. But it brought him back to those feelings he experienced during his first depressive episode at Bakka. The first one that nearly left him dead. And from there he just sort of…. chased the rabbit… during combat… while in the drift with Isak.

He was still finding it hard to forgive himself.

He looked at Isak’s fingers gently wrapped around his mug of coffee as he stood up from the bed to lean against the wall and Even was almost overwhelmed with the need to be closer to him. To touch him maybe.

He stood from his chair and took two long strides to be in Isak’s space. Isak looked up at him as he ran one hand up Isak’s arm from his elbow to land on the junction between his shoulder and neck, just as Even’s other hand pushed a curl behind Isak’s ear. Both hands then moved to cup Isak’s jaw. Isak nuzzled into the touch, closed his eyes, then leaned forward to lay his forehead on Even’s chest. Even’s hands moved into Isak’s hair as he placed his chin on the crown of Isak’s head, and they stayed like that, in that moment, just breathing each other in.

That intimacy, acting on that need to be close -- it was still new. But it was like breathing -- something they had to do, but barely knew they were doing it. He loved this. Loved that Isak allowed him these small comforts in their lives of chaos and destruction. Loved that Isak still trusted him.

Isak interrupted his musings by raising his head to lean his forehead against Even’s with his eyes still closed and whispered, “We’re okay.” He opened his eyes and breathed, “We’re alive. We’re still here. And I know, Even. You don’t have to say anything. You don’t need to apologize.”

“Yes I do,” Even responded, “I can’t let anything like that happen again.”

Even often thought about what would happen – how he would feel – if he ever lost Isak. God forbid he ever lose Isak because of some mistake he made – out in the drift or otherwise. He couldn’t live with himself if he got Isak killed. He had zero qualms about getting himself killed. Hell, that’s part of the reason he enlisted as a pilot in the first place. He rarely ever actually wanted to act on his depressive musings anymore, but if he just happened to die fighting in a jaeger, he didn’t think that would be such a bad thing. A good way to go really. And everything would be easier – for him and for everyone else in his life. He’d made leaps and bounds in his mental health, but sometimes – just sometimes – it was difficult to change and improve old tendencies.

“Even,” Isak said like it might not have been his first time trying to get his attention, “Come out of there for a minute, okay?” He ran his hands through Even’s hair and shakes his head a bit with them.

“Come on. Let’s go for a walk,” Isak said with a soft smile as he reached out a hand for Even to take.

Even didn’t say anything. Just grabbed ahold of Isak’s outstretched hand like it was his anchor to reality. Maybe it was.

*

They sat down in the hangar bay overlooking the jaegers being repaired. He could feel the sun shining above them, beaming down just for them in this moment as they leaned close to one another and carried on quiet conversation for just the two of them to hear.

He barely registered how physically close he and Isak stay these days. Leaning back on their hands, shoulders touching, hands overlapping with outstretched arms and pinkies intertwined.

Like this, in this place that had come to feel like home, Even could feel at ease – with himself, with his past, with his choices. That kind of feeling didn’t come around every day for him.

But Isak was looking at him like he was the stars in the sky, and Even couldn’t believe he got to drift with him.

Isak took the last sip of his coffee and sat the mug down next to him. “You know, a lot of the things you blame yourself for aren’t actually your fault.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, I mean, you’re really just being selfish by hogging all the blame for yourself.”

Even stared at Isak’s profile looking out over the hangar until he looked back at Even with a slow smile forming on his lips.

Even huffed out a soft laugh and knocked his shoulder into Isak’s when his head fell and began to giggle.

“I’m just saying… I know what’s in there,” Isak brought a finger up to Even’s temple, “and I know how it works – the webs you weave and the black holes that suck you in.” His fingers ran through Even’s hair and landed cupping his jaw, his thumb caressing Even’s cheek.

“And yeah – what happened wasn’t great. And as I promised never to lie to you or take it too easy on you – the consequences of getting lost in the drift were far less than ideal. But that doesn’t mean there’s no coming back from it. It might take some time, but that’s something we fortunately have at the moment. We’ll start slow – get back in the simulator for shorter periods of time to get you comfortable with the drift again. And we can build up to combat and getting back into Infinity Rebel from there. It doesn’t have to be the big picture right now, remember? We take it step by step.”

“Minute by minute.”

“That’s right. Minute by minute. Infinity isn’t going anywhere – and neither am I.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Even said to Isak, reaching up his own hand to cover Isak’s still on his face.

“You do deserve me. You deserve everything you want in this universe and more, Even,” Isak reminded him.

He removed his hand from Even’s face and stood up, holding out a hand to help Even stand as well.

Once Even was standing, he took note of how Isak didn’t drop his hand but held onto it like he had no intention of letting it go.

“Why don’t we go check out the simulator to see if it’s open today?” Isak suggested.

“Hm… you know how you said we could take it minute by minute?” Even asked, looking down at their hands.

“Mhm.”

“Well, I don’t think I’m really ready for that this minute. Or really any minute this day,” Even looked up at Isak through his lashes, a little worried about whether that would be an okay thing right now.

Isak simply smiled and squeezed his fingers in reply. “How about this minute we just be. That sound chill?”

“Chill.”

“Chill.”

Even’s eyes roamed Isak’s face and he reminded himself that they were alive – and they got to exist – together.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! you can find me on tumblr at [quintincoldwater](http://quintincoldwater.tumblr.com/)


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